Semi-Live Blogging: My Liver Biopsy

(based on notes made yesterday...not so anal that I did this during the process, but hey, been awhile w/o a real post)

8:30: show up for registration (a few minutes early). Nice guy, very friendly, gets me processed pretty quickly (esp. compared to other local hospitals). Here's the problem, big outpatient registration area. In the corner of which is a nice looking coffee shop. You know the kind--mini-Starbucks wanna be. Lots of fresh brewed coffee smells, some bakery-type aromas wafting all over. This is just cruel. Given the large amount of outpatient procedures that require fasting, in particular mine, for them to have decided to put this particular establishment in that proximity of the registration area must be a violation of something in the Geneva Convention.

8:45-9:00: Wait in the Radiology waiting room. Scribbler looks for enough magazines to last the day (hadn't found any at the store the night before...not like she didn't try to come prepared). After awhile someone calls, "Mr. Newton?" I say, "Yes." (clever repartee today). Someone behind the counter semi-nods and then nothing. 2 minutes later someone else calls my name and actually has a follow-up. It's time to go.

9:00: Taken down to some room in radiology, there's a bed, couple of chair, room for another bed, and a small desk. I get to take a seat on the bed, Scribbler gets a chair, I get to start answering questions about why I'm there, here's what's going to happen, etc. The nurse hands me a hospital gown and a remote to a large, flatscreen TV I hadn't really noticed on the wall, she'll be back in a bit. I flip around a little, dodging most Morning TV fare--stop on FoxNews long enough to make sure that Palestine isn't a giant hole--and settle on Project X on AMC. (not sure how that Matthew Broderick flick qualifies as a "classic", but eh, looked good on the flatscreen). Nurse comes back, asks some questions, tells me I'm going to get an IV and a blood test I had done a couple weeks ago (supposedly so they wouldn't have to do it again). I point that out, she shuffles off to find the results. I watch more Project X, get bored, and flip around some more. Watch some of one of the last gasps of The Practice (basically when it was just a trailer for Boston Legal)--Viola Davis was the defendant du jour--showing the same kind of chops that made me like her so much in the Jesse Stone movies. Nurse comes back, she has the test results, so only has to take a little blood. Spends a bit too much time watching the end of The Practice.

10:10--my viewing of last week's Monk is interrupted by them coming to take me down to the Ultrasound room. Ya-hoo. Introduced to a technician, who re-explains the process to me, and then gets a preliminary ultrasound of my liver area. Pretty sure she bruised a couple of ribs in the process. My vital stats are taken again (record low blood pressures for me...yay!). She calls the Doctor who'll be doing the process, and we wait a bit for her to come down. The nurses in charge of tracking my vitals shuffle a bit, and the Doc shows up. Very pleasant lady, but quite business like. Explains that today's a lot like Thanksgiving--lots and lots of preparation, and then "chop, chop--it's done!" And then as an afterthought, "Except, we won't be chopping you."

She explains once more what's going to happen, I nod as if this is all new to me and I really appreciate the explanation. She tells me the sound of the biopsy will be the worst, like a mouse trap going off. She has the tech get the needle ready so she can demonstrate. I make a point of not looking at it. She activates the clipping part, "ssssssCK" Sounding more like a mousetrap in the next room than one 5 feet away. I find that reassuring.

The doctor grabs the ultrasound wand and looks around a little herself, decides that she won't have to go through the ribcage, but can probably do fine just going underneath. Somewhere in all this, she tells me that if they don't get enough tissue the first time, they'll go in again--usually 2 or 3 passes is enough. 2 or 3? Yipe! Then she goes about getting the area all sterilized and whatnot. Scribbler looks on, taking it all in, joking with the staff, etc.

10:50-ish: She lays out the instruments. The tech asks if she wants the 10 cm or 14 cm needle. She opts for the 10. Again, I don't look. She administers a shot of local anesthesia. Stings a bit. She administers another shot. Says we're ready.

11:00: Strange pushing sensation, very focused pressure and then ssssssssssCK! Not too bad. They look at the sample (Scribbler, too). Decide it's big enough, put it in whatever container you put that sort of thing in. Doctor pats my shoulder, tells me that should do it, and she leaves.

11:03: YYYOW! Who snuck in with an invisible baseball bat and whacked my ribs and shoulder?!?! Oh man! *#*&$#(*&@#!!!!!! Wow this hurts! This really, really hurts! Stomach's doing all sorts of strange and semi-painful things. Ribs and shoulder throb, the pain pulsating through all points in-between. They decide to get me some morphine. That idea is okay with me. Turns out you have to fill out a lot of paperwork before you can give someone some morphine. I'm really surpsrised how much this hurts, Scribbler points out that they did just remove a chunk of an organ, makes sense that it would hurt. Good point. Why didn't I think of that earlier?

11:07: Get the shot. Feel very hot, little tingly. Not sure that my shoulder or ribs or stomach notice.

11:10: They wheel me down to my recovery room...and because they didn't get a bed from them earlier for me to have the procedure on, I have to switch beds. Doesn't sound that bad, am willing to get up and move. But oh, no, can't have me stand. They get my bed right next to the new one and instruct me to slide over. Do you know how much you use your ribs when you slide/wiggle from one bed to the next? OWOWOWOWOW. Why couldn't I just stay in this radiology bed? OWOWOW.

11:20: Morphine's not doing enough, this bed switch has set everything into overdrive. Recovery Nurse asks if I want something else for the pain, "okay." She didn't figured I'd mind. I get a shot of Demerol as a chaser. They lay me on my side--gravity + weight of my internal organs will serve to apply pressure on my wound and help it develop a clot. At least there's something to distract me from the agony. This is a Catholic hospital (as are pretty much all of them 'round here), and so there's a crucifix in every room. For some reason, in this room, it's right where the light switch should be. So, I'm staring at Jesus, his feet nailed to the cross, but his hands are held up in blessing, rather than being nailed down (not going to try to figure out the theological ramifications of that). My iconoclastic reflexes do help me not think about the pain for a moment. (note to self: ask for a Protestant room next time).

11:40: Except for the occasional twinge when I breathe too deeply, and a dull ache for the shoulder/rib combo, things are okay. Hooray for Modern Medicine^®!!!!

Of course, Modern Medicine^® got me in this situation. Hmmm...should probably call it a draw.

The rest of the afternoon really isn't that interesting--spent sipping water and watching Scrubs DVDs on my laptop until 5. No signs of internal bleeding, so I'm cleared to go. Hopefully have test results by Wednesday or so.