Tuesday, March 23, 2004

What's goin' on up there?

I've listened to this song, "When You Dream" by the band BNL about a billion times. Really didn't ever pay too much attention to the lyrics 'til tonight.

With life just begun, my sleeping new son
has eyes that roll back in his head
They flutter and dart, he slows down his heart
and pictures a world past his bed
It's hard to believe
As I watch you breathe
Your mind drifts and weaves

When you dream,
what do you dream about?
When you dream,
what do you dream about?
Do you dream about
music or mathematics
or planets too far for the eye?
Do you dream about
Jesus or quantum mechanics
or angels who sing lullabies?

From there it just goes on in this vein with references to reincarnation (or at least some sort of pre-existence) . . .but it helped me focus something that'd been running through my mind for the last few days: how much does he realize is going on?

He's getting blood drawn for the umpteenth time in his 20 days today. And they're having a hard time getting a good draw, so they're prodding and prodding. Each time they retarget the needle, he yells out, then settles down and tries to nap. It's like he's getting used to all this nonsense. Which on the one hand is good--he's got a lot more to come. But on the other hand, it's just sad.

All he knows in this life so far is pain--at least just from the medical types doing their work--who knows what he feels like inside, I'm guessing not good--and the voices and blurry shapes that keep coming and say they're taking care of him keep bringing him to the people who hurt him. Does he know that? Does he think about that? What's going on behind those blue eyes?

Does he know that it's for his own good that we take him there? Does he know that these people are just trying to help him? Does he know how hard it is for us to watch him go through it? Does he care?

I've had more than one person say that what he's going through isn't "fair." I'm not sure about fairness--actually, I'm pretty sure fairness doesn't enter into the equation. But, I know it's sad, I know it's not good to be him right now. I do hope that changes.