Too Scared to Sleep?

I often will joke about sleep being my enemy given the hours I work, etc. I've actually never been a big sleeper, my mother (who remembers my childhood far more clearly than I do) assures me. But the truth of the matter is, sleep is a mortal enemy of mine, and it's gonna win one day.

In early 2000, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea--one of my college roommates said, "Duhhhh, I could've told you that years ago." Not that he bothered, true friend that he is. The diagnosis was made while looking for something else, I didn't realize I had trouble sleeping (I had solid witnesses testifying to the snoring, though), so I didn't quite buy everyone's assurances (and there were several) that I "was going to start feeling a whole lot better right away" after starting use of the CPAP.

I didn't.

In fact, I'd usually wake up after a few hours with an irresistible urge to rip the thing off my face because I felt like I wasn't getting enough air. Occasionally, I'd be able to talk my way past the urge and get back to sleep with the headgear on, I talked to my doctor about it, he laughed good-naturedly about it and assured me I'd get over it.

I didn't.

Didn't take too long before I stopped using it entirely. I'd have occasional bursts of use--run into the same problems and stop. Then I'd get some other health scare--or try to live a healthier lifestyle (the two did not always coincide) and I'd give it another go.

It's getting worse, I know--and last summer I got a new machine (my old one was so obselete I couldn't get accessories for it), and a new style of facemask--thinking the old style (of which I had a few variations) might be a huge part of my problem. Tried it for a few days, and it was nicer and then fell back into old habits--which, if nothing else, are far easier--because it wasn't nicer enough (and rubbed my septum raw, which is nastier than it sounds).

But the last few weeks, any time I sleep more than 3-4 hours, I wake up at least once in a panic. Chest pains, congested throat, mouth drier than the moon, etc. Now I feel as bad as everyone wanted me to back in 2000. A week or so ago, I tried it for a night--maybe made it 2 hours (since it was a work night, that's 50% of my sleep time, so not bad).

Yesterday, a friend told me about her new BiPAP and how wonderful it was, which got me very jealous--why couldn't I have the same reaction? I meant to use it last night, but didn't--and paid for it. Woke up twice--chest pains, congested and scared. So tonight I got it ready early--there was just no way I was going to skip it again.

And then I fell asleep on the couch a couple hours before I planned to go to bed. Oops. Woke a couple hours later, and marched right into the bedroom to get it going. But it didn't sound right--like the motor wasn't quite up to the job--and when the motor is the thing pushing air into your lungs, you kinda want that to work. And then I couldn't get the headgear to fit right...so I had a mini-panic attack and find myself here, typing it all up in a surely vain attempt to stay awake.

It probably won't defeat me tonight, but you never know, it's going to one day.